Let's go Europe, de Laurentiu Budau


"Everything that is imperialist, capitalist and causes problems - click on the spot, the panic button."
Vasilis' motto

CHARACTERS -
IONAS – the pension’s receptionist
DINA BALLERINAS
BABIS - Vasilis' uncle and the pension’s informal administrator
NADEJDA
THEOLOGOS – representative of the Tourist Police



NOTE: Any assembling with facts and real people, it is of course is less probable.
The Author



DECOR
The decor is the office of Vasilis located behind the reception that communicates through an opening, concealed by a curtain of beads, which lets to be guessed silhouettes and benhind whichyou can hear quite distinctly the voices of customers, otherwise a wonderful place where you can hear and see everything without being heard or seen ... Above the opening in question, a preventive notice, with a capital letter, framed in a baroque frame: "I welcome the Bulgarians, Romanians and dogs!" On the left wall dominates the Communism "saints" starting with Marx, Engels and Lenin ,ending with Fidel Castro smoking a cigar. On the right wall countless posters Olimpiakos Piraeus team in its moments of glory.


CHARACTERS -
DINA BALLERINAS extremely picturesque character, 65-years old, the pension’s veteran since the time of Vasilis’ father (who seems to have been in some relationships, not exactly orthodox, with a former great beauty, worthy beggar with a disability "acquired "to a foot that tries to camouflage permanently, wearing ostentatious about 100 aluminum icons hung to the chest and gesticulates permanently with a staff with a nail at the top (with which she rumages through the garbage).
BABIS - 55 years old, Vasilis’s uncle, the unofficial pension’s administrator, a former army colonel, heavy smoker, assiduous probationer of gambling and horseracing , official twice a week Arab lover of NADEJDA. He has the power to make decisions without his grandson, Vasilis, convinced wearer of Leninist cap and dirty tie.
NADEJDA - consumption lady, apparently insensitive, 40 years old but she looks about 60.
IONAS - 35 years old, apparently neutral, declared stateless person without a clear origin.
THEOLOGOS - the representative in territory of the Tourist Police, approx. 70 years old, every night, between 2 and 3 he is used to make his round. During his service and rounds where never recorded special events ... or unsolved events
.



ACT I


Scene 1


Vasilis' office submerged in half-light, indirectly lighted from the reception. Two figures are distinguished quite clearly on the leather sofa, which leaves no doubt the impression that it was a couple.The burn of a scented cigar describes winding paths through the air. Heated discussions in low tone, Greek language, of which we understand, however often the resistance words spoken by a very young woman... Two resounding hands accompanied by a deaf shout, throttle ... Dark ...



Scene 2


(BABIS, IONAS)


BABIS: (extremly angry) Are you Turkish? Po-po-po-po-po! I told you to look for a company, boy! A serious company of facilities, do you understand?
IONAS: So what? Limassol Group, Papoutsis SRL, are not companies?
BABIS: Do not be rude, because I can fly into a fit of rage... You you you you! I’m changing you, I told you that I’m going change you! Since when is Limassol Group, that filty international which washes the money of the Bulgarian mafia, a company? And Papoutsis SRL, that swarm behind which abounds with Jews from Haifa, do you want to say that it's firm and yet that it is one of ours?! (with the spirit of gentleness) Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! What nation are you, dear? Which planet do you come from, Ionas, dear, if you have not learned yet to distinguish between white collar scoundrels and decent people?
IONAS: If I knew ... Nausea, the same as my blackouts, start with eighteen months ago sharp, since I wrecked here on Tykotos and found Kir Vasilis clenched like a scorpion on that tiny polystyrene panel,since Dina the old lady relearnt me to speak humanly with each spoon of soup that ... (unsure) The rest is a huge confusion, from the hit, I think ... Total and abysmal haloimis.
BABIS: (softened) Ah, do not mention to me about that hag of Dina ... Brrr! (breathing heavy) Everyone should know or we should even try to figure out who we are! Lucky, lucky you were Ionas with this neo-communist of my nephew, I’m telling you, yes, yes, with Vasilis the Orthodox. That's so him, poor him, if he hasn’t got any children, he gathers all the miserables without no God from channels, parks (although he is a convinced atheist!) and brings them to grovel here at Trojan Horse, in this paradise full of white sheets, where even angels are reluctant to sit on the edge of the beds or jump on them ... It seems that you have fed from the potty when you were a baby. Do not contradict me, Babis knows what he is talking about. (knocking delicatly on the silver plate) Me, you, Dina and that Brazilian nigger from the bar, we should kiss his communist buttocks, tattooed with K.K.E, every dinner and lunch. Even crippled Kostas who made nest in the room with the tourist’s luggage doesn’t do anything also that sly dog Brudy.
IONAS: (insidious) How should this company be, Babis uncle, to be at all reliable ?
BABIS: (prompt) How should it be? An honest company that respects it’s deadlines which works hard and that doesn’t put up the price of tariffs to bleed the customers, what can I say, a company of ours! A disciplined company as an infantry regiment which takes care of the pure bred horses! These are the basic clues. Give me that cheap rag and see how I track it down at a stroke.

Grabs the newspaper, puts the glasses with thick lenses as the bottom of a bottle of soda and begins to study it carefully, muttering obsessive "these thieves, those thieves, the other one bandits, the rest robbers, thieves".

All right, baby! It’s Simple! Learn to know people from the likes of an elder! Absolutely! Yes, "Macedonia is Greek", it is certainly one of ours. I smelled it first, from the hundreds of capitalist advertisements and deceitful commercials with and without curtain. Call immediately at "Macedonia is Greek" and ask them when they can change our power-station.It has lived long enough,it has made it’s money! We have received too many complaints because of her that we risk to lose our license. It has done enough for this pension,it washed enough dirty butts. Okay, it's time to retire, poor it. Farewell!
IONAS: So: "Macedonia is Greek"?! ...Are you sure?
BABIS: Undoubtedly. Keep that in mind! Yes !!! (welcoming mechanic) Macedonia has always meant Greece and Greece has always meant Macedonia. Only some people who know how to love us and respect us, us and our millennia history, were able to put this appropriate name ... Po-po-po-po-po! Call our brothers, what are you waiting for?


Scene 3


(BABIS, IONAS)


BABIS: What do you think the sly dog of my brother-in-law Vasilis,told to my grandchild Vailis, when he was hovering on the verge of death?
IONAS: ?
BABIS: I'll bet that it did not go through your blond head, not even to the extent of which that lost bullet - Size 7.62 – which pushed me down and on the line, because from it the Army gave me as present this numbered silver plate. He said: "Listen to me, you snotty, son of mine, kid: in these rotten it is hidden a great treasure, blahblah, blahblah, pure gold, 99.99%,with which you can easily control half of the scoundrels from Athens. You have common sense and do not ask me where I got it because I’m going to slap you, in a jiffy, with a heavy crutch from walnut, even broken and hovering on the verge of death as you see me,the important thing is that I have it ... Yes, yes, I have it, agori mou, and if I have it, it's possible for you to have it also, just a little patience, a little patience ... If you know how to listen properly to the walls of this ramshackle, one day, you will eventually find it and it will hurt you right in the butt about everyone.That’s it, I’m in a hurry! And now that we have closed all these little accounts with life, lets wet the bargain. Allow me to empty a vase of flowers full of Ouzo!“ shouted old Vasilis adding thirsty:" I love the Republic, long live the monarchy ", but until I got back running from the bar,he had his soul gone, poor him ... Deh, rushed, he went because he was a Balkan, as he was all his life actually. I didn’t get to put, in a Christian way, the candle in his hand because it had already clamped ... I still have him in my memory: a superb and ordinary vile, but great and shitty.
IONAS: ...Did Kir Vasilis take hold of the treasure?
BABIS: You wish, lad. Be solemn! You, these with milk in beards, you want to get a result from the first day... Vasilis my grandchild thought at first, as you are in fact now, that all that flies can be eaten and that it has nightstick, so that, without waiting for the end of his father’s memorial service,he began pounding all the walls, shut-shut, with his translucent fingers that I thought in first phase, that the kid had gone insane ... Six months non-stop lasted this hardened search of his until he figured out that his father had spoken only figuratively, metaphorically that is. Poet-poet. We Greeks are definitely (even though we do not really realize it) the descendants of Homer's, never Chômeur’s ... Po-po-po-po-po! The walls of the pension hid a lot of gold, if you know how to manage them ... Got it?
IONAS: Somewhat.
BABIS: All of your kind dream green horses on the walls instead of working hard. It was the same with nephew Vasilis, but thank heaven that he took it on track. Meanwhile he got on interest and became the KKE¹’s President of Tykotos, he is part of PAME² and he even even is a ADEDY³ sympathiser. He put because of my disinterested advice of course, six little beds in every room and joined with his pension, the International Youth Hostel from where he receives a good grant to accommodate students from around the world ... and now he affords to have not one but two mistresses, one of which is a trendy woman from Paris, who regularly sucks money from him, the other one, whom you know as well and to whom, he gives crumbs whenever he remembers, a nosy of ours ... Great mare, the French woman, it comes to you to sip the liquid from her cup, it is just that she does not really feel like to wipe babies’ ass. ...
IONAS: Are you talking, somehow about mademoiselle Dominique?
BABIS: No, my mother, who else? Ti-ha! How do you know her name? Vasilis has not ever brought her here, at the Trojan Horse. Every season when she appears, he hides her from the world, keeping her in Athens at the Continental, at five stars ... Po-po-po-po-po! Have you lurked, varmint?
IONAS: There was no need.She called at the reception two weeks ago, to look for Kir Vasilis who has just gone out by the arm of Kristina, for three days, at his olive grove from Aegina.
BABIS: The bitch is still a bitch, no matter what nation she is, I don’t say that one is more honest than the other ... The lady could have smelled something that she has broken her heart to call us at the reception ...Does Vasilis know?
IONAS: How could he not. Even if I forget to tell him he still has enough ears around here.
BABIS: Yeah, nothing to blame. Who can bone off! Making love with two or nine women at the same time, if of course your straps and bag keep you, it is not illegal and it doesn’t make you to gain some weight,at most it can reinforce your buttocks. Sport, sport. Exercise, that’s what doctors recommend ... I hope you did not say anything about that gipsy wrasse.
IONAS: It was not necessary. This much, I know to handle myself.
BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Someone calls in a hurry at the reception! If it is the tank of Napoleonis, I’m not here. I'm allergic to his fluffy feathers. I never met in my life, a more perfect parrot than this one.


¹Communist Party of Greece
² Front All Workers
³ Greek Confederation of Civil Servants


Scene 4


(DINA, BABIS, IONAS)


BABIS: Hey, hey, hey! Where do you think you are going, hag? What do you think this is, a village with no dogs?
DINA: (in alert) I don’t have! What time is it? I’ve got it!I have to arrive at all costs and immediately after the morning meal, until all the elders from the Asylum "Tired Angels" don’t spread everywhere, otherwise I worked in vain all week ...
BABIS: You and work, ha! Since when lying the hand is considered here work?! Perhaps at your Turks. Here at us, no ... Nothing is the dilemma.
DINA: (in an alert) I don’t have! What is the time, I said!
BABIS: Shoot yourself in the outlet! Easy! The first minibus comes just over an hour, IF it comes.You are not going to freeze in the refuge or to become a ghost in the station, Dino... Wait, damn you, on this sofa, but without your bags filled with misery. Leave them slightly, near the entrance, don’t spill them. Like this,like this. Calm down. Even the Pekingese Rozi won’t touch them, those skunks. You’ve turned your room into a real source of infection. (parently) Can I? Luckily those maid peasant women ventilate non stop, otherwise we would have received a lot of complaints from students so far. I thought you worship woman. You went through so many theaters, you had to deal with so many distinguished people smelling of expensive perfumes: conductors, composers, choreographer masters, tenors, impresarios, directors... If you had to deal with Ursinschi, everything has a limit. Quench it! You have an age however!
DINA: (snappy) Understand at once that I don’t! I don’t have! IF I don’t, I don’t! Do you think I understand where you are heading to, Colonel, and still I try to listen, that's because I’m a notorious faithful...I’m listening? I’m listening! What time is it?
BABIS: Carpe diem!
DINA: (exasperated) Give up these slum swearings! That’s torn it,that’s torn it! What time is it, old man? I thought you had silver plate at the head, not at the tympanums.
BABIS: Me too, small swan, I thought you haven’t left crippled from your last show, when you screwed the heel in a hole in the scene, plucked swan.
DINA: Ahhh! Pig! Grohhh! Grohhh!


Embarrassing moment brutally interrupted by the unannounced sound of the testing of an drill hammer. Characteristic flicker of Chinese lamps.


IONAS: They are the super qualiffied workers from Macedonia is Greek, boss. They empty everything. They have come,since five o’clock, with the latest and best equipment. A full hour they have been carring stuff in the basement. Tools of thousands of euros, not joking. They won’t let anyone to touch them.
BABIS: A serious company. What did I say! They will solve us. I think we are going to keep them an imperishable memory. Take them from me, one cup of tea with chili! Drink, not yet! Bring Dina a cup of tea also!
DINA: A coffee!
BABIS: A tea!
DINA: Tea is for the faint of heart. Bring me a coffee for my eyes to sparkle! An improved coffee with fifty millilitres of Metaxa! IF you want a hundred,a hundred is going to be! You know I do not like to contradict you at all.


Scene 5
(DINA, BABIS)


BABIS: Tell me, why you aren’t an understandable woman? Po-po-po-po-po! Why you are not a committee woman? Why do you want to rob my grandson, my Vasilis? He loved me so much until now - I can not leave him as a jackass, especially that all the things have started to work so well, so well that it enthuses me... Why do you want to bite the hand that fed you? Why take advantage of the fact that he's so busy with his life? That cannot be, madam, so it cannot continue. You understand, right?! Any consumption, however small, has to be paid. That is the essence of the bloody capitalism, madam. Understand that it can’t call you companion of suffering because of two reasons: I am a little bourgeois.
DINA: Understand at once that I don’t have it! I! If I don’t, I don’t, Colonel! Believe me!
BABIS: Swear!
DINA: Shit. I swear! If I knew something in Russian, I would have become a librarian at Harvard.
BABIS: Not like that.You have to draw air into the chest. Swear on your fucking soul! Swear on your false icons that you wind under everyone’s noses!
DINA: Let’s leave it dead because it quacks. Now ... can even put it!
BABIS: So, do you have it? I have pretences from an intellectual high-life like you. Honesty, fairness, personal example, self-denial, dedication.
DINA: Don’t you want, roses? Do not fool me. Here we aren’t in the army, sir Slogan.
BABIS: I know, we are at the Trojan Horse. Do you have or do you not?
DINA: I have, I mean I don’t. Do not force me to be too honest, I might have migraines immediately thereafter.
BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Pay at least half, otherwise you have to release the outhouse at once! As it is students complain that they have nowhere to smoke and that it smells all over of incense.
DINA: They should go out in the street, to take the pulse ...It’s good that they have where to regulate. For that they find enough place:stairs, bathrooms, the elevator, on tables, In the storage room,on the fire escape, after doors. Anywhere else but not in beds ... Only seeds scattered everywhere, even on chandeliers, as if the devil would have driven them from behind. All night only gasps and roars, roars and gasps, that I can’t even close one eye all night. That's why I have wrinkles big as the Suez Channel, at my early age. Let them get out on the terrace to cool. Let them lay their hands on a book ... Do I have any choice? ... I don’t,do I?
BABIS: Dina! What does it mean for you € 50? A trifle.
DINA: Pennies, not small change, you know better that no matter how much I gather it isn’t my money, only a loan. I swear. Well, I will pay. Half.
BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! When? When?
DINA: Don’t press me. If I said I’m going to pay, I pay. Dina Ballerina hasn’t owned anything to no one, not even with a used toothpick. Not today, it's Sunday, moneychanger. Believe me. I have other plans with it today, other calculations ... tomorrow perhaps. Tomorrow for sure. It's a holiday and when it is holiday people are more generous, even unmarried men. Ionas is witness ... Hooo!I pay! ... I put it!I definitely put it! What is the time, Ionas?


Scene 6


(THEOLOGOS, IONAS)


THEOLOGOS VOICE: Ionaaas! Allodapon¹ Ionaaas! The acts verification! (reapeted beats on the board of the old gate) Open the door from the back! Ionaaas! Ionaaas! Allodapon!


Scrape heard while the gate opened and the sliding noise of an awkward moped with a broken drum.


THEOLOGOS: Ionaaas! Ionaaas! Move your carcass because I’m in a hurry. I'm late to the Bouzouki crisis organized by Napoleonis. Listen to him what idea, instead of breaking plates at the end,they throw with disposable wipes ... and that while all those strangers, all those ladies that are in heat are filming, dear them ... How else do we know to make ourselves look shitty in such a sublime greatness ... Mana mou, mou hand! How we mock of our sacred traditions! We go to the dogs ... What does this crumpled pillow doing here? Were you sleeping? Were you sleeping?!
IONAS: Do you want me to lie? Do you want me to tell you that I was playing “bambilici”?
THEOLOGOS: Mounopano! What's with this mess, malaka? You know I can put you under arrest? Why did not you prepared the files?
IONAS: Believe me, Mister Theology, last night, at one o’clock, a group of 60 unannounced Japanese stormed in very scared, none of them had no idea about English. All were in the dark ... I had just finished acommodating them, I didn’t have time even to breathe.
THEOLOGOS: Gamata! I do not care about this fact. I told you so many times to put all of them on colours: white for Jews,red for Arabs and for Albanians blue. It’s simple, you idiot.The other colours do not really interest me nor inspire me, just for now. Those above all. "Monkeys", "elephants" and “ferrets ", just for now, I repeat, I do not care, nor me personally or generally the Tourist Police, you know ...Do you want to get the green card, do your thing right, boy. You're lucky I'm the decrepit Babis is my friend , otherwise I wouldn’t have closed my eyes for the an emigrant that works on black, although it has’'t got legally this right ... Always when an emigrant works on black, two of ours have to lie on the line! ... Apateonas! Kid! Na pas na gamitheis!
IONAS: I’m trying to deal with the situation, but I’m just one person. Not even if my mother would have made me mother octopus, I do not think I would have handled the situation better. With this continuous influx of students we should be at least three at the reception, at least two per shift. ¹ allodapon - stranger (gr)
THEOLOGOS: Look at him, jackass! You do not make the rules in this country, allodapon. Malaka! Listen to him, three per shift! "IF in a country the milk of the poor children is drank by the dogsof the bourgeois in this country you cannot ever speak of justice", the word of the deceased Kaddafi. No one quacked in front of him. Great man, great character.Too bad they shoot him soo young, from the front and back,he didn’t even turn 70 ... You do not want, somehow, that Vasilis to give you a jimbatǎ chick, with a plastic carnation in her hair, for you to not get bored? Ha, ha! Let me tell you a good one. You know why no women can write the tragedy we are passing through?
IONAS: Why Mister theology?
THEOLOGOS: Because she hasn’t strong eggs! Ha-ha! That's why!
IONAS: I do not see the connection ... Should I laugh?
THEOLOGOS: Malaka! Have you decided, finally,what is your nation?It isn’t possible for you not to remember anything about your past. When you remember, let me know. Only then we can analize thoroughly in the board, if you have or not the right to get a green card ... Be careful at what you do and how you move! Do you think I don’t know what are you doing with room 3? Malaka!
IONAS: !!!
THEOLOGOS: Don’t you think I know you rent it to the hustlers from the harbour, per hour, for "frichi-frichi"? Do you want to fly? No problem. I'm watching you, allodapon! Mana mou! Mana mou!


Scene 7


(IONAS, NADEJDA


NADEJDA: Has he came by? Was he around here?
IONAS: Who was supposed to be?
NADEJDA: Who do you think? That bitch that is always in heat, who cheeked, whom I raised like a daughter!
IONAS: ... Oh, the bitch! Kristina took her to Aegina. She said she could not live so long without her,without caressing her ringed fur.
NADEJDA: Bitch! Cut and dried! She should be ashamed after poor Vasilis did what he did for her. Now she is spending her time with women also. She saw too many movies on Friday ... Since she was little she liked to stare at the TV, immediately after I fell asleep on the sofa, long after midnight ...With women? Give me a break! ... Are you serious?
IONAS: Women and men,she is a bitch right-down. In fact, we have to recognize that she is a puppy ... very nice and tenacious.She has a highly trained odor.
NADEJDA: Tell me about it? She feels the smell of the leather wallet from two miles away, I know her for so long ... only that I did not know that now she stays with women also ... Do not kill me! ... Are you sure? It's not a joke, right?
IONAS: She even walks through bushes after the kids from high school that smoke there. At the snotties from kindergarten, I haven’t seen her yet.She always wants to get something,she always gets something between her teeth ... I admit, once she was with also.
NADEJDA: Are you sure? Raffish. Greedy. If someone complains,you can be sure that those from the Tourist Police will even expel her. Usually, sooner or later, I find out about all her escapades and I try to mend what can still be mended... That's why about you and the children,she didn’t say anything ... Be careful, you're a young boy! There are all sorts of diseases!
IONAS: Only once, I do not know what came over me. Usually, you know how much I hate her when she pulls of me... I gave her a sausage, although I think she was not allowed ...she licked her nose so suggestivly that I had to give up. She grabed it from a sip.
NADEJDA: Shut up, hateful, I do not want to know about your sick fantasies.
IONAS: That was because she behaved when I took her to the hairdresser. (Kristina I swear! She had obliged me!) She yelped to remain in my room, but that would have meant too much time spent together, that would have meant making Kristina jealous, so I also gave her to others that were rested more, to deal with her ... Kostas the crippled, for example, Babis, Napoleonis and even to Theologos.
NADEJDA: All at once?!
IONAS: Why not? She didn’t seem to be bothered at all. She had a very lifted tail. She was in her element, she seemed so happy. She slipped gnarling through the legs of everyone and licked their fingers.
NADEJDA: How vile ...from their part to accept a thing like this from a poor devil. I think she was very drunk. I do not know with which of her fathers she looks like. Every time she drinks something stronger, she loses her temper.
IONAS: I couldn’t put my hand on the hot iron, for it ... I only saw her drinking milk from the bottle.
NADEJDA: From the bottle? Oh! If Vasilis finds out,he will for sure throw her out from the Trojan Horse. And how many interventions, many interventions ...
IONAS: Yeah, even he encourages her systematically to do it. Whenever he sees her drinking from the bottle he caresses her gently on the chest.
NADEJDA: On the chest? I thought he is a serious man.
IONAS: So what, serious people don’t ...
NADEJDA: Shut up! The world has turned upside down! Everyone went crazy, everyone! ... How,even Vasilis? The bitch hit on him also?
IONAS: Especially at him, but if think better,he at her more... At Aegina I heard that in cooler nights, all three sleep crammed in the same bed: Kristina, Vasilis and in the middle Rozi.
NADEJDA: What Rozi?
IONAS: Well who are we talking about? About Rozi, the Pekingese of Kristine! Aren’t we talking about this?!
NADEJDA: !
IONAS: ...Aren’t we talking about this?!


Scene 8


(BABIS, IONAS, DINA)


IONAS: Has Bulgarian passed around here, she seemed very ravaged, she was looking after the maid, the bitch of her daughter... This is the list of signatures, this is the money. I counted it, it is all. Five thousand euros .
BABIS: Is the maid gone? Tell Bulgarian that no matter what Vasilis says, that I’m going to fire her, that I already fired her. (counting the pile with dexterity) Yes, yes, everything seems right, perhaps that is correct, although I doubt it ... All the pensioners, all those sluts that want to cheat on me. All want to bring them olives and extra virgin olive oil from Vasilis’ orchard from Aegina, at half of price. Half price in this time? Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Clear. The old men were learnt only to stay in a cue for bargain. Lets put them to lay up the trash from parks, deh! ... Have you got something also?It doesn’t matter, it can’t be right, u must have got something also, I know you ... Do I know you?
IONAS: When do you deliver the goods?
BABIS: What goods?
IONAS: Extra virgin oil, olives ...
BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! You know well that this year's harvest is totally compromised. I will get it out somehow with those senile old men... Why are you interested?
IONAS: In case they come to ask ,in case they come to knock with the sticks in the window, in case they call at the reception,let me know what I should say.
BABIS: You have nothing to do with it. Give them, gently, my number.
IONAS: That one? But the card is expired. Should I give them the new number?
BABIS: God-forbid! You have nothing to do with it,I’m telling you ... Tell me, do you look at the horse races on the track in Athens? Do you keep an eye on them?
IONAS: Somewhat.
BABIS: What's that "somewhat"? Po-po-po-po-po! Do you watch them or not?
IONAS: Sometimes, when I have time.
BABIS: Tell mewho do you think is more in vein: Theseu or Agamemnon?
IONAS: None, they are mentally done, even if the in the last races they have confirmed. But it's only a temporary thing, last gasp,they have accumulated fatigue ... Have you ever watched carefully Milky Way? ... This babe comes hard from behind ... Have you ever watched her how she approaches the race on the Romanian Song? What about Nadja?
BABIS: I only count on our own, Ionas, although lately they have screwed it, but that happens in bigger houses ... I hope it's something temporary. It must be something temporary, otherwise he didn’t know from where to get off the shirt. All the money from the safe I invested it in races ... Kid! Kid! We are full of debts like a toilet full of paper. If Vasilis would know,he would ...I can tell you. We are (of course that you have noticed, you could have not noticed!) in a total failure and if a miracle doesn’t happen, something to fall from heaven, we are fucked. Otherwise we won’t come back...Yes, yes I’m talking about the non-refundable loan which those big wigs from Let's Go Europe promised us. Their experts have to show up soon,to evaluate the situation on the spot. We all have to be careful so that they won’t catch us in offside otherwise we are screwed forever. These walls do not hide any gold 99.99% but shit ... Shit! Shit! Trojan Horse never really went on profit. We, Greeks, apart from Onassis, we've never handled to manage our own affairs. All my big pension which the army sends it regularly every month, I bury it like an idiot in these walls. Water, electricity, taxes ...
DINA (triumphant) I came to pay to you, moneychanger!
BABIS: I don’t have time.I have to get today in Athens.I have to follow the bets ...I’m late ...
DINA: I came to payto you.To you! You've entagled me. It's Tuesday and, as agreed, I came to give you those 50 € for which you’ve made so much scandal. And because today I had a good day begging, I’m paying you in advance and for three months after that.I’m a great lady, I’m the Lady. Count them, in front of me!
BABIS: Dina, understand. The ferry leaves in an hour!
DINA: Let it go! Count them! I, myself, came to pay you. (puts on the desk a heavy bag full of pennies) Count it, in front of me, or I’m going to be bad, you know it!
BABIS: Dinaaa! Understand,I don’t have time! Give it to Ionas, I trust him.
DINA: What does it have to do Ionas with that? Does he have any gain, Ionas, in this business?
IONAS: No, certainly not, Dina ... What do you think?!
DINA: Did you see? Count them, avaricious, I said! Grow tired of counting!
BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po!


Scene 9


(BABIS, IONAS, THEOLOGOS)


Through the generous opening that communicates with the reception, we see Ionas turned backwards, gesturing nervously while talking at two landlines and sharing accommodation colored cards and keys, many keys to a large pile of hungry hands outstreched ... Whisper, voices in crescendo, the desperate sound of the bell , laughter mixed with high tones, silence.


BABIS: Has something happened, Ionas?
IONAS: What did it have to happen? As usual!


Whisper, voices in crescendo, the desperate sound of the bell, laughter mixed with high tones, silence. Scandal.


BABIS: Ionas? What want these fuckers, Ionas?
IONAS: What could they want? They say the rooms are too crowded.
BABIS: Fuck them! Tell them that here is a shit pension for students, not Continental. A bitter transit pension. They want too much from 7 € per night for a bed, storage room, plus breakfast included.
IONAS: I told them, but they don’t want to get it at all!
BABIS: And?!
IONAS: They want to talk to the owner of Trojan Horse?
BABIS: What owner? Aaa ... with Vasilis! Leave me! Where do I find Vasilis at this hour? Who knows in what how hollow longer put ...


Ionas trying to parliament with those in front of the reception. Needless. Real scandal starts. Keys are thrown from all sides.


BABIS: Ionaaas! What vorrr?
IONAS: Same problem, only now it's complicated: they want their money back.
BABIS: Are they insane? What money? ... Have you called Theologos?
IONAS: Why call him?
BABIS: Well, he’s the authority let him solve the problem. Tell him to move his lazy ass here,right now, tell him that the imperialists rebelled and they have declared war to us!
IONAS: Well there is no problem, why call him? It has happened on other occasions. If they don’t like it we will give them the money back and that’s it. Others will come.
BABIS: It is always a problem when you have to give someone their money back. What is taken is good taken. Call him,the hell with Theologos! (long whistle of a signal accompanied by a scream)
IONAS: It already occurred, by instinct, I think it was in the area.
THEOLOGOS: Hey, eat you! What is this here,a club for black people? (Laughter and shouts. Pejorative applauses. Caterwauls. Whistles.) Yes, yes, why do you giggle? I am not Maradona, I'm Bella Donna! Fags!
BABIS: Don’t cool your mouth, dear friend, Mediterranean Savior! Mounopano! These modern savages do not understand anything from what you say.
THEOLOGOS: How come they don’t understand? Greek is just one of the oldest and greatest language on earth.
BABIS: That is why it is unrecognizable to their lingo,that’s why they don’t like it ... Mana mou! Mana mou! That's why.


A resounding and collective heard "We are Citizens of USA! USA! USA !!!". Noise of broken glass. They throw of abundance, with rolls of toilet paper unfolded that flies everywhere.


BABIS: I’m fucked with these troublemakers. They can’t be so easily fooled. What do they say, Ionas?
IONAS: They say they are American citizens.They say they have all the rights in the world.
BABIS: I do not give a shit on their citizenship and their rights. Tell them why do you shuffle?
THEOLOGOS (frets climbed on the counter) Shut up, everyone! Don’t worry, we are going to solve this fucked up problem immediately ... What's the problem? Problem? No problem! (Cries of "Yes! Yes!" Laughter. Theologos raises firmly above the head the badge that says "Tourist Police", sweet moment of silence) Iu, Americans? Hotel Trojan Horse no gud? (Shoutings: "Reception!Reception!") Daxi, eyes! Lisint, Americans! No problem! Trojan Horse is not gud for Iu? (Shoutings: "No! No!") Okei, okei! Iu gou tu American Ambasi ... American Ambasi is big hotel, American Embasi hotel is gud hotel for iu ... Iu appoint Ambasi, daxi? ... Aut! Aut! Aut!


Scene 10


(DINA, BABIS, IONAS, THEOLOGOS, NADEJDA)


DINA: Damn! What party has been around here, brethren! That rakish horde that has got out was about to demolish me.
BABIS: Ooooo! Po-po-po-po-po!


Chanting echoes that are lost in the distance, something like: "God Bless America! Trojan Horse is sheet! Trojan Horse is sheet! "


BABIS: (end) Apateonas, apateonas! Vasilis, Vasilis! Malaka! Ooooo! Look at her! The flower appeared! The cherry from the wheat and nut sweet! Mana mou, mou hand! Only you were missing, hag,to complete the tableware ... "Min alazis kathe mera krajion, giati mu xeis kani poutso uranio toxo"¹ your hat excites me completely, Dina, Dina ... Is it from the first world war?
DINA: What time is it, brethren? Ha! What big teeth you have, sir Theologos. Yesterday you were toothless today you have horse teeth.
THEOLOGOS: They are not mine,they belong to my mother-in-law. Force majeure. I borrowed them for diction, for stateliness.
DINA: Poor her, and how is she doing without them?
THEOLOGOS: Well, I think. In fact, I think she has not even noticed their lack. She doesn’t use them when she is sleeping.
DINA: Is she sleeping during day time?
THEOLOGOS: All the time. It's so much silence when she is sleeping. Too much silence, if I think better.
DINA: What a happy person. I can not even sleep at night. All the time only roars and groans,groans and moans. Last night I heard some quacks ...
THEOLOGOS: Envy her, envy her! When you will have her age, you will relax completely and sleep all the time, Dina ... 24 of 24.
DINA (naive) I didn’t understand,what do you mean when I’ll have her age?
THEOLOGOS: Stiff, I mean rigid. Give drinks to everyone. I am happy, tomorrow we are going to do them, dear them, the seven years anniversary. (grotesque laughters)
DINA: Asshole!
THEOLOGOS: (to Ionas who gathers silently the miseries left by the conflict) I did not think it would be so hard ... Asshole, not asshole, at least I’m still alive. Ooooo! Po-po-po-po-po! I'm alive, right? Get your ass to the bar and bring us something stiff to drink, allodapon!
BABIS: Bring me a rum also. Double.

¹ It's your daily change gives the lipstick on my cock already like a rainbow! (Greek)

DINA: Me too a Metaxa.And a plate of Kalamata olives to the side. I didn’t ate all morning, not even a. .. (laughters even more grotesque from Theologos)
NADEJDA: Have you seen my daughter? Have you seen my daughter?
BABIS: The maid, sorry, the former maid? TT! Who knows where she is, hooligan!
THEOLOGOS: Let her come back, Bulgarian, with the dulled tail between her legs when her heat will pass. She has not yet found the one to be her husband ... Sit down here on a chair, put something stiff under the bottom.
NADEJDA: Neither you, Ionas, did you see her?
IONAS: Since the other day, no. On my word. Stay calm, she will return. This is neither the first nor the last time she is doing this.
BABIS: Brethren, today is holiday ...
DINA: Holiday, what holiday? In my calendar it does not say anything about this pagan feast of yours ... Where have you made it up?
BABIS: Ionas, spreads a new sheet on Vasilis’ desk again and call that barrel of Napoleonis to bring us something to put under the nose. It is appropriate to celebrate. I pay the wine, the food it’s your responsibility.
NADEJDA: If it is ball, let there be ball. What we are celebrating? What are you celebrating?
THEOLOGOS: Even so, Babis, what are we celebrating!
DINA: ???
BABIS: We must add with the chemical pencil this new holiday in the calendar. Do you realize? A very important holiday, perhaps the most colossal one for all of us: "The day we said forever, NO!"
IONAS: To whom?
BABIS: Ourselves, of course! Do you have any doubt?


Terrible sounds of picks, electric grinders and drills of high power and overwhelm from the basement the room that you might think, after the shakes of the furniture, that a strong earthquake is still in process.

BABIS: (scenical, trying to cover the wrangle) Let’s toast for Macedonia is Greek piously! Well, at least, someone is working awake in this country!



ACT II


Scene 1



(DINA, BABIS, IONAS, THEOLOGOS, NADEJDA)


The noises from the basement tend to become hellish. All the participants at the scene wear improvised dust masks and helmets for protection. From the ceiling, just like in a real bombardment, flow streams of paint.


IONAS: Boss! They have tracked down that huge old lady in the end. She is not breathing anymore. The job is as done. They still have to dig some holes in the rear brick wall, to fix the angle brackets and that’s it ... Now they all have to struggle to get out that wrecked whale, with the rank and pulleys, out in the yard.


Annoying gnashing metal noises and fragmented booms by heys. Commands.


DINA: Finally! What time is it? They were about to sprain my brain with these modern power drills.We rest after so much doing nothing,we meditate at the holly ones.The moment is worth to be immortalized. After they clean the place I’m going to sprinkle with basil to chase the devils situated there at warmth,it must be at least a legion there ...
BABIS: What did I tell you! Po-po-po-po-po! Serious company, not joking! If they promised they would get rid of the problem for us,they will. Two or three days and everything ends. Ionas bring more tea to these poor sweat devils, let them clean their throats! No alcohol, so that they wont’t make anything stupid! Tell them to take care not to break the marble steps if they want any money from me and let them clean well the place, do not let them leave anything belonging to the glorious past.
NADEJDA: Have you seen my daughter somehow? Haven’t you seen my daughter, somehow?
BABIS: Again? What daugther? ...Give me a break?
DINA: Hasn’t the maid come yet?
BABIS: And what else, bulgarian, do you think I’m the counter of your daughter’s ass? Ionas, tell everyone what’s the deal with the maid? Isn’t it something about room 3?
IONAS: No!It’s not my job!Have you forgotten that you have sealed it,so that won’t be any arguments ... It's the third day since I haven’t seen it, boss.
BABIS: It seems to me I haven’t also since then. However, I have to admit: a day without that scold is like a honeymoon spent in Haiti ... Every time her itchings started she was missing at least a day,maximum two days. Po-po-po-po-po! Are there already three?
IONAS: Last time I saw her at the bar arguing with one of her former lovers, an Armenian of two meters with some terrible hands as shovels whose were Stalin's heart. You should have seen the little one how she turned and twisted him on all sides, like a duster and how she gave him a hit ... and this stupid stood there so quiet, he didn’t quack at all, dumb.
BABIS: These dumb guys regulate the world from the, my boy! The same as Vasilis! We are going to do the same with this bitch of Europe that keeps paying court to us,we will fuck when things will go better for her and she will give us food and drink.
THEOLOGOS: (entering the whirlwind) Babiiis! My friend! Mounopanuuu!
BABIS: Theologos, honey, only some can manage to make someone like me to really enjoy the silence.
THEOLOGOS: I wouldn’t think so. I need to ...
BABIS: Everyone should be in this world, but why you? Why do not we go somewhere where each one of us can each be alone?
THEOLOGOS: See, old man, that's why I appreciate you: I know that you swear me so delicate like the slam of a loaded train with bromide.
BABIS: Napas na gamitheis! You know I’m not trying, although I’m doing it with all my spleen, livers ... What,if you do not have the grades on your shoulder you do not know to knock at the door?
THEOLOGOS: In this uproar, I would have risked to make unnecessary wefts on the backhand. Babis, my friend, I will give you an information that is going to shock you.
BABIS: Don’t make me get crazy, cop! I know you for a lifetime,from the time since we still pastured with the goats ... Why do you think you will succeed now, to surprise me?
THEOLOGOS: Because I found out that those from Let's Go Europe are already on the island, they have set down from the ferry at 12 o’clock...
BABIS: !
THEOLOGOS: Good one, right? Within 10 minutes they will be already here, at the Trojan Horse, for that unannounced control of which depends the fate of our grandson Vasilis loan, the fate of Trojan Horse, of that swamp.
BABIS: Mana mou, manoula mou! Oooooo! Po-po-po-po-po! Out, out with everyone! IF these ones catch a foreign foot in the hotel,besides official employees and acommodated students, the hell with the loan. This is the first and the most important clause. I’m fucked! Get out! Outttttttt! No! No one leaves! No one! You risk to face them, even on the stairs!
OTHERS: What are we going to do then, uncle Babis?
BABIS: I have a plan. You will be the welcome committee ... the respectabilities of Tycotos. Did you understand?
OTHERS: !
BABIS: "We are going to hang the capitalists with the ropes bought from them" - Joseph's word ...
OTHERS: Which Joseph?
BABIS: Stalin, of course. The authentic and original father of democracy, actually the one who perfected it by fully canceling it. The Purifier. Urgently change your clothes with the scandal ones of Vasilis from the hall closet! Exe-fold-ing, war babies!


Scene 2


(BABIS)


Left alone in the office, BABIS quickly turns the portraits of the communism "saints" on the back of which you can find the faces of the present European leaders. Olimpiakos Pireu posters are also turned revealing idyllic images with bare cliffs and foamy waves. The baroque frame that dominates above the opening and which communicates with the reception is finally turned. Instead of the announcement "We don’t welcome Bulgarians, Romanians and dogs" appears the suggestive "All for one and one for all!"


Scene 3


(DINA, BABIS, IONAS, THEOLOGOS, NADEJDA)


All besides Babis, are standing in a cue at the office, equipped with the tuxedos, fancy scarves and the eccentric tail-coats of Vasilis ...They have kept though,in a preventive way, the protective helmets.They analyze carefully and in silence, any awkward noise coming from outside.


BABIS: Squad, listen to this order from me! What we do here is called in the specialized military language: diversity. Repeat!
OTHERS: Di-ver-si-ty!
DINA: What time is it? What time is it?
NADEJDA: Two hours have passed already!
DINA: ...Captain, are we going to stand more around here like fools, because I am a little tired of this raving with Let's Go Europe?
BABIS: Shut up, hypocrites! In what capitalist corners your sacrifice spirit lies?
NADEJDA: (whisper) The old man has went crazy again because of the bullet. He has turned crazy again ... and when he goes crazy he does not allow to be contradicted. You know it doesn’t last more than half an hour after he doesn’t recall anything. Pretend, Dino.
BABIS: Soldier, do not move in front because I will put you under arrest!
DINA: You will put my mother, senile!
BABIS: Any comments? Down! Up! Down! Up!
DINA: You comment, you execute! From now on we're even. I’ve payed my debt. Let this be clear to you!
BABIS: So? Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Martial Court will eat you, untrained soldier that you are! Generals must appear from Let's Go Europe in inspection, to announce us whether or not to make peace with us. I don’t want to hear any sound! (it is heard however an unruly fly)
THEOLOGOS: (shyly raising two fingers) Babis, I can not stay ... Captain! You know I have bladder problems. I have to go and do a little pee!
BABIS: Do what, soldier? Pee-pee? What's that?
NADEJDA: He wants to pee,that’s what he wants to do ... What, do you no longer hear, deaf?
BABIS: Aha! Soldier Theologos, to the private, singing, 'ashhhhhhh!
THEOLOGOS: Thank you, I do not need it anymore!It solved on it’s own. (uncensored laughters from the "Platoon")
BABIS: If anyone from the front moves, I will put you under arrest! Down! Up! Down! Up! Ruler Ionas, put all these unrullies under arrest.
IONAS: And what should I do with myself?
BABIS: Put yourself also!
IONAS: Allow me to report! I understood that I must put them, I understood that I should put myself also, I didn’t understand where!
BABIS: What do you mean where, leader? To the arrest! To the arrest!
IONAS: Where is this arrest, Captain?
THEOLOGOS, DINA, NADEJDA: Congratulations, Ionas. We did not think about that . Even so, where is this arrest, smart ass?
BABIS: What do you mean where? In room number 3, that is the arrest, there is where must be taken all those who violate my orders, all does who do not want to keep the discipline in the camp!
NADEJDA: Good, but room 3 is now sealed for three days and the keys are in your possession, haven’t you said it yourself, Babis?
BABIS: Colonel Babis!
IONAS: Captain, Colonel, Marshal Babis, please give me the keys from the arrest!
BABIS: What arrest? At the Trojan Horse there is no arrest.
IONAS: From room number 3. The one with the bars.The arrest.
BABIS: No one enters there, no one enters without my express order in room number 3 ... Please pardon ... Room number 3 has yet other destination, it is reserved to the traitors ....Stand!
THEOLOGOS: Babis, I just received a message from the boy who brings tourists from the harbour to the city. False alarm. Sorry. It turned out that no inspector comes from Let's Go Europe.There were just some Germans tourists dressed posh out, they came especially for "bunga-bunga," ...Some confused imposters.
OTHERS: What do you mean "bunga-bunga”? Um ...We do look like fools! No more playing!
BABIS: Undress! Spread on the sectors! (the whistle of a kettle looked on fire is heard) Like this, like this! Bugler, sound the end of the alarm! Truce is postponed ...


Scene 4


(THEOLOGOS, IONAS)


THEOLOGOS: Allodapon! Did you remember where are you from, your country of origin?
IONAS: Yes, I think so, although I'm not sure.
THEOLOGOS: Finally! Finally! Why do you move so slow? Are you somehow a budgetary? Do you feel, somehow, budgetary? I listen to you very carefully and I will write down everything, word by word.
IONAS: I'm from ... Papua.
THEOLOGOS: Ahaaa! That Papua is still in the Balkans?!
IONAS: Yes, somewhere between Panama and Guatemala.
THEOLOGOS: More precisely?
IONAS: At the halfway between Hungary and Ukraina.
THEOLOGOS: Yeah, yeah ... How did you emigrate from there to here? Give me details! Details!
IONAS: Walking.A part of the road we traveled it by donkeys.
THEOLOGOS: By donkeys? What do you mean “by donkeys”?
IONAS: If I came on a horse I would have said "ridding".
THEOLOGOS: Aha! (noting) "His arrival by air is not confirmed." How long did it took you, approximately?
IONAS: Four months minus two geese are about two weeks ... I think.
THEOLOGOS: Aha! (noting) So "fourteen days" ... You, these from Papua have some schools around there?
IONAS: Of course.
THEOLOGOS: How is it at your school?
IONAS: Before it was made with clay, but it was not very solid. Now it is only made from unburned brick.
THEOLOGOS: Not that.I was refering to the method of study.
IONAS: Papua is a land filled with mountains. Students stay on a higher mountain and teachers, from the deepest respect for their followers into a precipice... Students say "Uaaa! Uaaa! Uaaa "and teachers hit their asses seven times on the ground floor and respond them with:" Oaaa! Oaaa! Oaaa "That’s it. Which is of the students has a better rage gets a certificate tattooed directly on his forehead, which does not become instantly a professor and is not taken down immediately in the precipice.
THEOLOGOS: So it is a vocal Morse! Yes but in that Papua where you live, are there TVs?
IONAS: Yes, but unfortunately only black and white ones so that we could see the world only in shades of gray and our Papua is loving too much the rich full of colours and perfumes.
THEOLOGOS: So this is auto handling ... Do you have electricity?
IONAS: In the classical sense in which you understand electricity, no.
THEOLOGOS: Phenomenal.What about your black and white TV, how do they work?
IONAS: We have bikes with dynamo made in Cuba, which we have obtained in exchange by building hydropower plants there. We climb on them with our head bowed and we pedal until our eyes pop up and the dynamo produces shame more than electricity.
THEOLOGOS: So manual shy electricity... Is your TV showing the great and huge Chuck Norris?
IONAS: Of course, along with his 11 brothers, but not so big and not so huge.
THEOLOGOS: Warning! There comes a question of dam: and you, you, Papuan Ionas when do you have time to figure out who is the real Chuck Norris of the 12, if you pedal all the time with your head bowed?
IONAS: Well, we are also six brothers,I have already started to remember, we pedal one after another and one of us doubles it in Papuan language all the time.
THEOLOGOS: Yes, from my information it seems that you are more nationalistic than us. Am I wrong?
IONAS: Not at all only that us towards you when our stomach sticks to the spinal back, we become internationalistic.
THEOLOGOS: What is your national sport?
IONAS: Gathering the belt. We all give our spirit until the last hole.
THEOLOGOS: When do you realize which one is the last hole?
IONAS: When the undertakers do us a friendly sign with the shovels friendly from top to bottom.
THEOLOGOS: Finally, a minus! I saw you the other day speaking to Zisi in the same language and you seemed to understand each other perfectly. If I remember well Zisi is a little bit Hungarian or Romanian something like that, certainly something in between.
IONAS: On this island there is absolutely nothing.He can not afford anything. He learned our Papuan language listening to the migratory birds.
THEOLOGOS: Napas na gamitheis! Papuan?! Ouch-ouch-ouch-ouch! I think that the head shot was too powerful ... I feel you are kidding me, although I have absolutely no evidence, not yet ... How come the ship that brought you to us didn’t break! Psoli! Psoli! I'm watching you, Ionas! Take care! I'm watching you!


Scene 5


(BABIS, THEOLOGOS)


BABIS: Pour one more.You have evrything here: Ouzo, Tsipuro, Metaxa and coffee.
THEOLOGOS: Do not you understand me wrong, my friend: I can not go, I still have my pants wet. The material is quite thick. I have to wait for them to dry.
BABIS: What’s my problem? What do you mean? Have I watered you?
THEOLOGOS: Now you act like you do not know, you have forgotten everything.
BABIS: Something like that ...
THEOLOGOS: Listen, Babis! Get rid of this suspect while you can!
BABIS: What Suspect?
THEOLOGOS: That “Contra Gigi”, Ionas. I think he hides something, I think we are all hiding something.
BABIS: I do not believe until I see it with my own eyes. Everyone has something to hide ... Don’t you also?
THEOLOGOS: Of course I also have some odds and ends around there, as every man ... But now it was not about me. Study him, watch him carefully, especially in the moments he thinks no one watches him. He believes he can outsmart us all. He has a brazen nerve. The others know how to put the cornel in the earth as soon as you yell a little at them, he doesn’t ... No and no.
BABIS: But I have nothing to reproach him.You have to understand. He works as three.
THEOLOGOS: That’s it! When an allodapon like him you can not find them censorious it's suspicious, very suspicious.
BABIS: You make me go crazy, don’t tell me he hasn’t got any documents, any work permit ... Only losers are correct, and I am no fool no hacksaw. I'm not going to make him a work permit too soon, I’m not paying taxes for someone like him. That’s it, that’s it my friend,pour another round. You have everything here: Ouzo, Tsipuro, Metaxa and coffee ... Retsina no, not today, from now on no ... I'm sorry, my friend, once the godfather sees the “munificence” of the goddaughter. You have finished it last time when you started to climb on the walls and shoot after pigeons.
THEOLOGOS: (singing honorably false) Tsipuro, Tsipuro! "So goodbye my love till then! / Until the white rose from Athens will not flourish, / Until the kids will not climb again over the bare mountains, / Until turtles won’t cover their nest with crocodile tears, / Leave me alone, my love, leave me alone like a broken boat ... "
BABIS: "So goodbye my love untill then! / Until the white rose of Athens will not flourish, / Until the harsh dragnet will not tangle in my body / Goodbye, goodbye ..." You are soo drunk, Theologos ...You don’t drink the way you did, when you were drinking barrels of beer like a buffalo ...
THEOLOGOS: How beautiful you are, Babis, how beautiful!
BABIS: Don’t kiss my mouth, don’t kiss my mouth or I will slap you!
THEOLOGOS: My beautiful! Therefore, I have listened to you all the time, that’s why I've always jumped to help you. My brother, my friend, my lo ...
BABIS: You piss me off, you drunkard. Do not say things that tomorrow you might regret them.
THEOLOGOS: "So goodbye my love untill thennnn! Goodbye, birdyyy! "
BABIS: I will hit you, I told you I’m going to hit you. What the hell, don’t you have dignity?
THEOLOGOS: Are you not my best friend? Am I not your best friend?
BABIS: Of course, Theo, but all things have a limit. Stay quiet, Theo. I’m going to tell Ionas to call you a cab.
THEOLOGOS: Talk to everyone except Ionas. "Until the turtles won’t cover their nest with crocodile tears, / Leave me aloneeee, my love, leave me alone on broken boat ..." I have to make you a confession,mate. I am not the one you think I am, the one that I know...
BABIS: I am not the one that you think you know also.
THEOLOGOS: I'm in deep shit.Up to my throat!
BABIS: Me also only shit around me is of a different color ... I'm afraid to make waves and ... You met the maid, right?
THEOLOGOS: Hello birdy. Only when she moved her ass a little, whenever she whisked around here, through Vasilis's office, my pants became stiff ...
BABIS: Me too ... Even if I have an age ... Po-po-po-po-po! Oooooo! Bad luck! Bad luck!I don’t know how I could...I’m in a large and hardened shit ... You must help me somehow, Theo!
THEOLOGOS: It will dry straight, whatever it is, it will dry straight. Stop crying, cloth soul. Let me also tell you ...
BABIS: What?! You what?
THEOLOGOS: I am not called Dimitris.
BABIS: Of course, I have never called you Dimitris but Theologos.
THEOLOGOS: I remembered, my name is not even Theologos.
BABIS: Give me the gun, you are too drunk. You have just shown me the papers like you've done it with Napoleonis and in fact to everyone ...You are called Theologos, in fact all the time you were called Theologos ..
THEOLOGOS: You are wrong, very wrong. My mother was somewhere from Transnistria and was called not Maria but Masha and my father was a real man, I mean a real Russian, Ruslan the mighty Russian.The ferry capsized with them when they wanted to cross the Danube with their bundles, to arrive at the bazaar from Sofia ... I’m the only one who escaped. I was lucky with an Armenian merchant that adopted me... Oooooo! Po-po-po-po-po!
BABIS: You bastard, how could you lie to me all these years.
THEOLOGOS: With my defiled mouth of an orphan ... Na-na-na!
BABIS: Tell me your name at least, Theo. What is your Christian name?
THEOLOGOS: Volodea! From now on, you can call me Vovaaa ...
BABIS: You have everything here: Ouzo, Tsipuro, Metaxa and coffee ...No Retsina, not today, not from now on ... Let's drink Vova and see what's left to do ...
BOTH: "So goodbye my love until then! /Until the white rose of Athens Until will not flourish..."


Scene 6


(IONAS, NADEJDA)


NADEJDA: Pfff! What stinks here like a corpse at you? Open a window, brethren!
IONAS: From the sewage. I think it is since those from Macedonia is Greek got out the power station from the basement, probably they unplugged the pipes ... otherwise I don’t know... maybe they have forgotten a drainage cap opened. I will check tomorrow. I already spent some room sprays, but for nothing ... They must finish the job tomorrow.
NADEJDA: No, this is not the smell of a duct. I slept ten years in one, I know how it smells ... Brrr! I think it's from some dead rat.
IONAS: Go away, Bulgarian, go ... If Babis sees you again around here, he will get mad. I’m not too dear to him.
NADEJDA: Don’t chase me away also Ionas.You have to understand me! Let me rest a few hours on this couch. I haven’t closed one eye since my daughter has gone away.
IONAS: What daughter? Everyone knows who you are, do not fool around. I have never seen you that filled of feelings as now,it’s like you are a Polish sausage that gives to the sides ... Drop it, you're not a good actress at this hour. Give me a break ...You should better say that you have lost her, that your bank has volatilized.
NADEJDA: Please! Look, I will give you all my money of an old matron, all that I have earned today, all that's left me, just tell me where is the maid ... This girl was beautiful, she is my luck. The best of the girls and she knew it. Too bad she was pretty picky and slept only with whom she liked. This one knows how to get men crazy and how to make them climb the poles,she is not like me when I was young, ugly and stupid ... Now I’m no longer young, now I'm just ... With all the money I gain because of her I could assure myself a peaceful age. In ten years I could buy one of the white houses from around here, surrounded by brakes and stone fences, perhaps even a tavern like Napoleonis’s... I know I'm selfish, I do not want to get as the decrepit of Dina, to beg all week and look through garbage and on Sundays to go at the bastards from the asylum and give them all my money to buy pills...
IONAS: Go away, please, bulgarian. What did you drink? The Tourist Police may arrive at any time.
NADEJDA: Stay with me, leave those files ... Look, I would like to sleep once at the Trojan Horse, at this dirty pension, I do not have the strength to crawl up in the harbour.
IONAS: You know that locals are not allowed.A declared bulgarian neither.
NADEJDA: Why, aren’t Bulgarians people as well? I do not care about the opinions of this half brain ... This is still heaven.
IONAS: This is heaven is only for foreign students ...It will cost you € 50... That's only because I know you ...Do you have it?
NADEJDA: I pay anything, but I do not move from here, my feet won’t let me, these trunks ...
IONAS: Well, I will give you room 3. No one has entered in there for three days,since Babis,I do not know why, he sealed it without any explanation and put it’s keys in his pocket ... I was afraid that he didn’t put some signs on it to catch me ... Take care. You're lucky that he only made a key line for me ...for contingency ... Do you want room 3? Do you want me to give you room 3?
NADEJDA: Room 3 is heaven.
IONAS: It has toilet, shower, single high bed included... only that at five in the morning you have to go,make yourself invisible, or you will get me in trouble ... That's the only drawback. That's the condition, did you understand?
NADEJDA: I have...
IONAS: Here are the towels, soap and toilet paper ... Have you gone yet? I told you that I have to work.
NADEJDA: I want to drink something stiff. A Ouzo!
IONAS: At this hour, the bar is closed. You have everything you want in the refrigerator from room 3, only that for this you have to pay extra...
NADEJDA: Do not ask me honor, I don’t have... I don’t have... But if you want money, I have enough for now ...
IONAS: Go, go, Nadejda! Early in the morning, until five! First left, under the stairs. And another thing,don’t turn on the light in any way because I do not want any trouble ... Can you handle it?
NADEJDA: I am accustomed to darkness, worse than a cuttlefish ... Stay with me, Ionas, come with me at room 3 to talk about Spielberg, leave those files ...
IONAS: Why talk about Spielberg, do you think Spielberg would want to talk about us at this hour?
NADEJDA: I rather doubt it.
IONAS: See?
NADEJDA: You are the love of my life!
IONAS: Sure,it’s pity that we met so late.
NADEJDA: Do you believe in reincarnation, Ionas?
IONAS: We agreed not to talk about Spielberg.
NADEJDA: So, room 3?
IONAS: I don’t have a better one.


NADEJDA comes back staggering, after approx. five minutes and seven seconds ...


NADEJDA: (terribly slow) Ionaaas!
IONAS: Oh! Now what?
NADEJDA: Awful smell in the room ...It stinks for real ... I'm convinced a dead rat is in the room.
IONAS: I don’t have other. Are you afraid of rats?
NADEJDA: No. Can I, at least, open the windows?
IONAS: They are closed with nails.


Scene 7


(BABIS, IONAS, THEOLOGOS)


BABIS: Are you still at the reception, Ionas, at this hour?
IONAS: Of course, someone always has to stay at the reception, uncle Babis. to follow closely the movements of troops; entrances, exits... Haven’t you said it yourself?
BABIS: Have I told you that? When?
IONAS: Of course, every day.
BABIS: Forget it! Go and rest, boy, you are really tired! Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! You have some dark rings big as the tires of Formula One car...
IONAS: I think that it is from this stench that is everywhere.Precisely those from Macedonia is Greek had forgotten opened a drainage cap. I’m going downstairs in the basement, I have to check.
BABIS: What stench? You and your illusions.
IONAS: From where, others have complained also ... It could even be a dead rat, blocked on the ventilation, in any case something pretty big.
BABIS: What rat, you fool? (inspires strongly through the nose) Here smells of jasmine! Don’t you think I know how to make the difference?
IONAS: We used four sprays in the room attempting to cover the stench.
BABIS: Well done. Here is some money for you to go and buy another ten. Go and walk until you reach the harbour ... Don’t rush, take some more money for a beer, two, there ... Relax yourself.
IONAS: I wish I did, only that at two o’clock have to arrive a grumpy group of 30 Italians from Palermo ...It is already confirmed ... Who is going to accommodate them?
BABIS: Leave them, I will accommodate them, do not worry ... You go and rest. You deserve a short break ... Hey! Long live the beer!
IONAS: Who will replace me?
BABIS: What do you mean who? Me. Nobody is irreplaceable. Who do you think was sitting here at the reception in your place, on this scrape chair before Vasilis brought you at the Trojan Horse? Me, the old Babis.
IONAS: Well, just don’t fall asleep.
BABIS: What sleep? At my age? Do you think I want to sleep tonight? Just tonight?! I will have to work all night around here and put things right ... Haven’t you heard the van?
IONAS: Van?!
BABIS: Yes, by this time Vova should have arrived here to play some cards with me ... A very long and exhausting game for two whimsical old men.
IONAS: Vova, which Vova!
BABIS: What a fool! Did I say "Vova"? I wanted to say "Theologos" and it went through my mouth "Vova" ... Ooooo! Po-po-po-po-po!
IONAS: Theologos never came at the Trojan Horse by van, what van? He has only a bitter scooter tied with wires ...
BABIS: He has borrowed it, just for tonight, from his brother-in-law ... I have decided to give him the old refrigerator from room 3. That's the stake ... It's too bulky and consumes as seven ... His loss will relieve me of ...
IONAS: Well, does Vasilis Kir know? It is noted in the inventory.
BABIS: If he knowes or does not know, it's not your job ... However, to be honest all the way, my nephew, Vasilis, does not know what's going on in this place for a long time.
IONAS: I've heard talking about Kir Vasilis, but I've never seen him, although everybody tells me, convinces me that he saved me... Sometimes I think that he doesn’t even exist ... Is he real?Does he exist?
BABIS: Look at this pink phone disc on his desk?
IONAS: Does this antiquity work?
BABIS: Of course,did you think that it is here only for decoration? If you ever hear him calling, leave everything and look for me. Only he knows this number. Now go ... Go ...I will handle it...
THEOLOGOS VOICE: Ionaaas! Allodapon Ionaaas! Paper control! (repeated beatings on the old tin gate) Open the back door! Ionaaas! Ionaaas! Allodapon!


The scrape of the opening of the sliding gate is heard and the noise of an awkward moped with broken drum.


BABIS: Son of a bitch! He aroused all the bitches! ... Do not rush, I’m going to open it.I’m coming, I’m coming, Vo ... Theo!
IONAS: The refrigerator is very heavy, if you want I can help you to load it. In three it is, of course, much easier, especially if we first get out the grills and the glass shelves.
BABIS: You are everywhere ... None of your business ... Now you go and lie down or go to the Bouzouki harbour! Do anything, anything but disappear at once, illegal!


Scene 8


(BABIS, IONAS, THEOLOGOS)


BABIS: Finally, let us go to work! Take these gloves.
THEOLOGOS: Calm down. It seems that we are going to have a peaceful night, my friend ... even quieter than I thought. However, I assure you that I didn’t came up here for nothing: I have brought you a good and a bad news.
BABIS: What are you babbling about? Where's the van ... Theo? You have promised?
THEOLOGOS: My brother-in-law Dimitris has received in the last moment, an urgent order to carry some cakes to a wedding in a village at the other end of Tycotos. Just tonight ... He neither wanted to talk to me, nor wanted to hear... Bad luck, pure bad luck. This was the bad news, if you have not noticed ... We have to hold over, my friend.
BABIS: Ooooo! Po-po-po-po-po!
THEOLOGOS: I still brought you and a news ...
BABIS: What news? Give me a break? Do not tell me again that ...
THEOLOGOS: For now, I won’t say anything until it is confirmed. I want to be sure.
BABIS: What to be confirmed?
THEOLOGOS: The good news, what else ... This time I will tell you when it will be certain, I want to be sure.
IONAS: I decided ...Can I go, now?
BABIS: Where the hell do you want to go!
IONAS: To drink a beer in the harbour ... at the Bouzouki ... I'll be back until five in the morning. I heard that every night Napoleonis organizes a contest. At the entrance, all who come to party there are measured at the belly with a meter by Napoleonis himself tailoring meter... Food and drink is at discretion for everyone. Who has at dawn, according to the new measurements, the most imposing belly is declared champion and does not pay anything ... all the others pay triple.
BABIS: Ha, ha! What nonsense! Idiot! He has gone badly crazy! How desperate! This one is going down, just like the others... As I said, I have never met a more perfect parrot than this one.
IONAS: Yeah, all flock at his tavern like at the bear. Do you know what's strange? Nobody even seems to get angry, even everybody seems to be happy. No table is left unoccupied. I heard that next week, you will enter if only you have reservation, especially that it is announced in the program and some known instrumentalists from Athens ...Can I go, now?
BABIS:... Why should you go right now? The gang of Italians has to show up. Who do you want to accommodate them? Me?! ... You are not going anywhere, buster, or I will kick you out. No comments!
IONAS: !!!
THEOLOGOS: Colonel, have those from Macedonia is Greek finished their work? When are you opening? For two days, whenever I came over here, I didn’t hear any noise, nor I have ever seen a worker,not even a seed, no movement.
BABIS: Tiii! You're right,how come I didn’t note that until now, fool me, it's so quiet for two days ... how didn’t I realize.Have they finished? Give me your latern, stupid ...let me go down in the basement to check ...


Scene 9


(BABIS, IONAS, DINA, NADEJDA, THEOLOGOS)


THEOLOGOS: Did you remember? Malaka! Tell me, you have remembered?
IONAS: I can not remember anything ... like this at order. I have to fill in the papers.
THEOLOGOS: Allodapon, allodapon! Pauper, he is even fragile. Your days here at Trojan Horse are numbered ... Babis has (finally!) agreed. Not even Vasilis, as Vasilis he is, can not save you ... Remember: in this country you have no right without a work permit, not even to move a straw of match.
DINA: Who has been talking about Vasilis? Has Vasilis came? Has Vasilis finally came? I thought I heard his voice ... He did not come, right? We will not come around here too soon, right? I heard he's too busy to live his own life and no longer has time to handle the one of others ... Is it like that? When he will realize it, I'm afraid it will be too late ... What time it is, Ionas? What time bloody it is?
THEOLOGOS: Fuck you, old hag ...Stop screaming! Phew! You pretext that you always want to know what time it is, but actually you pull slip as always to lurk. That's why they kicked you out through the back door from the Opera ... Cart!
DINA: You're a pig, Theologos! Grohhh! Grohhh! You fart!
THEOLOGOS: Here culture! Apateomas! Apateonas!
IONAS: It's too early, Dina, too early, believe me! I will let you know. The bus that goes to "Tired Angels" comes just over three hours.
DINA: It's never too early for a good deed, Ionas. Remember that.
IONAS: Go and lie down quietly, aunt Dinah. I will wake you.
DINA: Thank you. I am afraid to be late.Those ill elders put so much hope in me, in my appearances ...I would suffer terribly if I delayed at all, even a half an hour, is not it? Every time I see myself dressed up so pretty, with that synthetic fur which imitates so well the sable, all those old men,who no one longer looks for them anymore and whom no one asks them anything they go happy and say to themselves, "Look.That distinguished and beautiful lady came to us again. Yes, yes, the lady. You can see from a long distance that she is so rich and has such a good soul. With the money she will slip under our pillow as usual, we will be able to get what we are missing to have another quiet week, a less tiring week"... If I ever had a boy I would have wanted to look like you, Ionas.


Babis's roar is heard that is wearing an empty, huge canister quite damaged .


BABIS: Po-po-po-po-po! Po-po-po-po-po! Fuckers! Fuckers! Our brothers, our brothers! Macedonia is Greek! Thieves! Yes, I had a premonition that they will solve us ... I had a premonition that I will keep them in my memory forever ... I had a premonition that it will clean us of our past memories ..Can you imagine? Can you imagine?
THEOLOGOS: Relax, Colonel! What do you mean?
BABIS: Rats! They fled, they fled everywhere! They didnt even look back,they no longer cared about their tools of thousands of dollars, their advanced and proud tools and tips...Can you imagine? Can you imagine? They found the treasure, Vovaaa! They found it! They scattered like partridges!
THEOLOGOS: Old Vasilis’ treasure! Are you serious?! We all know that it was just a story for children, a good legend to be told at the tavern let’s not stretch time!
BABIS: Yes and what is written on this? What do you think this is?
THEOLOGOS: A gold ingot? Right? Phenomenal ... That looks like a gold ingot? Can I touch it?
BABIS: 99.99% ... They were so concerned to disappear soon that they didn’t realize that they lost it ... How come I never realized:the treasure, I mean all those ingots of 99.99% gold were hidden in a niche behind the old power station in this rusty box. They have found it accidental when they had to fix those bloody consoles ...Can you imagine? I think there must have been at least a ton of these ingots ...
THEOLOGOS: You are exaggerating, as usual.
BABIS: Well, maybe not a ton, but six, eight hundred pounds for sure ... Our brothers!
THEOLOGOS: Babis, Babis ... For the nation and the relative you get your lip wet ... Mounapano! Mounapano!
NADEJDA’S VOICE: What have you done? Murderers! Murderers! You have killed my youth! My daughter, what they have done to you! You have killed my age! Murderers!
BABIS: Waht is Nadejda doing at this hour in the hotel? Ionas!
IONAS: I do not know!
BABIS: Ionas!
IONAS: Boss, she had no where to sleep and ...
BABIS: I hope it’s not room 3! ... Tell me that it isn’t bloody room 3!
NADEJDA’S VOICE: Murderers! May the candle burn you! Here, here in the refrigerator you found to crowd her! You have killed my age! Murderers! Murderers!
BABIS: Get her out, Vova, get the crazy out from the hotel until it is too late ... Arrest her, why do you sit and look at me like a fool?
THEOLOGOS: What's with this smoke? Oh, the Bulgarian lit all curtains from hallway! Crazy bitch! An arsonist, that’s what we needed!
BABIS: Urgent! Urgent! Call the firemen! Call the firemen at once!
THEOLOGOS: Babis, do you realize what's going on if the firemen get here, do you realize, Babis? Do you realize?
BABIS: Ooooo! Don’t call any fireman! Don’t call any fireman!
NADEJDA’S VOICE: Murderers! Murderers!
IONAS: (surprisingly calm) Uncle Babis, two gentlemen with diplomas are looking for you, they say they are from Let's Go Europe! They ask politely if we receive them to control ... Do we receive them or...?
NADEJDA’S VOICE: Murderers! Murderers!
BABIS: Wonderful! Wonderful! Right on time! Everything links!
THEOLOGOS: What do you stay allodapon Ionas, grab a fire extinguisher, get a broom , a bucket of water, don’t you see that the fire spread throughout !?
IONAS: I see, but that does not really help me. My hands are tied ... I have memorized: in this country I have no right without a work permit, not even the right to move a straw of match.
THEOLOGOS: Ionas! Ionas!
IONAS: (surprisingly calm) Uncle Babis,pensioners are looking for you ... Today, I do not think they want to invite you to play chess ...
BABIS: What pensioners? What chess? What do I have to do with the pensioners? Wonderful! Wonderful! Everything links! Everything links me!
IONAS: The pensioners from whom you have gathered the 5000 € ... Olives ...The orchard from Aegina... Olive oil ...They seem very disappointed!They seem very angry!
BABIS: Why do you stare?Get them out! Get them out, Ionas!
THEOLOGOS: Ionas! Ionas!
IONAS: I remembered, finally I remembered. Not Ionas but Ionicǎ ... Io-ni-cǎ! Did you understand, Mister Teologos! Ionicǎ from România, Galbeni village, commune Nicolae Bǎlcescu, Bacǎu County, postal code 607358! From România! ... The postcode I’m not too sure, but I promise I will remember it next time ... IF I still find you around here. Did you understand?
THEOLOGOS: Malaka! Malaka!
NADEJDA’S VOICE: Babiiiis! Babiiis! How could you do this to me? Murderer!
BABIS: Wonderful! Wonderful! How wonderful everything links! Everything links! Everything links me!
DINA: Has Vasilis come? Has Vasilis finally come? I thought I heard his voice ... He did not come, right? He will not come around here too soon, right? I heard that it is too busy to live his own life and no longer has time to handle the one of the others. Could that be so? When he will realize, I'm afraid it will be too late ... What time is it, Ionas? I thought the clock rang ... Can someone please tell me? What bloody time is it? ... What time is it?


Curtain


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