The Mint Juleps Trilogy -, de Nick Zagone

- all 21-year-old college students.


ROSETTA All females, 21.

[Four chairs resemble a parked car. It's night. ROBERTA and REBECCA sit in the front seat. REBECCA in passenger seat.]

ROBERTA: Do you think I'm becoming ill? Unstable? Maybe I'm becoming an alcoholic. You think I'm becoming an alcoholic. You think there's something wrong with me. There is. I think I should take lithium. I heard lithium helps. Like that song by Nirvana? Lithium? "I'm so happy ‘cause today I found my friends. In my head." Is that how it goes?

REBECCA: I told you I'm not talking.

ROBERTA: Robert likes Nirvana. I should get him a Nirvana CD, but I think he has them all. That would be a good first move. Don't you think? If I got him a new Nirvana CD? But he's probably sick of them by now. Like he's sick of me. Bugging him. Some alcoholic chick bugging him giving him Nirvana CDs. How stupid. Do you think I should just not bug him? I'm bugging him aren't I. I should play hard to get. He's got to be here tonight. He said he was going to be here.

REBECCA: Let's just go in.

ROBERTA: No! We're not fashionably late enough yet! Just stay in the car another ten minutes. Hey! You just talked! I knew you couldn't do it. I knew when you said you weren't talking tonight that you couldn't do it, how could you go to a party and not talk. Or are you just not talking to me? Is that what it is? You're just not talking to me. You don't like me anymore. You think I'm an alcoholic!

REBECCA: Forget it.

ROBERTA: You were good. You were! I thought you were good. You did a good job. I said you were good, that's all that matters right? I mean who cares anyway. It was just a stupid little sketch.

REBECCA: A play.

ROBERTA: Whatever. Geez, why are you being bitchy to me. I didn't do anything! I said you were good. Who cares anyway? I mean there were like nine people in the audience. Why are you getting so freaked out? Nobody even saw you! All the people that are at this party? They weren't even there! You're getting me all upset. I'm unstable. I should take Xanax. Robert said he takes Xanax. Maybe I'll start taking Xanax. He better be here. I don't see his car yet. Robert said he was going to be here when I saw him, and I said that was great because I was going to be here too. Oh no! Maybe Robert won't show up now because I said I was going to the party too! You think he'd do that? [REBECCA sighs.] I heard Robert was going and I just went right up to him, "I heard you were going to the party!" And he just said "Yea." And I said, "Outstanding! I'm going too. I'll see you there." But with my cute seductive look—like this—face down, eyes up. Ya know… [She does the look.] "I'll see you there." And he just said, "Yea" like that, "Yea." And I said, "Great! I'm going too!" And then he looked at Tom. Looked at Tom like he was scared. Like Tom said something to him. You think Tom said something to him? Tom better not have. Oh for God's sake girl cheer up!

REBECCA: The phone didn't ring. The phone was supposed to ring. Did you notice that?


REBECCA: The phone was supposed to ring, but it didn't so I just made a phone call instead.

ROBERTA: I didn't notice anything! It was fine. It's just a stupid play.

REBECCA: It's not stupid.

ROBERTA: I didn't mean it's stupid, I meant who cares? Ya know? Nobody really cares.

REBECCA: I care.

ROBERTA: Well that's good. Ya know, that's good to do that. Look, if Robert isn't here tonight I'm going to be devastated okay? Devastated and you're going to have to stay with me at the party okay? You have to promise. Promise!

REBECCA: All right.

ROBERTA: Well, I guess Brad will still be there. Brad likes me I think. He bought me a Mint Julep. At the bar the other night? A Mint Julep. Isn't that weird? He likes me. But a Mint Julep though, that's weird. I can't go out with a guy who buys me a Mint Julep.

REBECCA: Did you get the part about the pen?


REBECCA: The pen. My lover's pen.


REBECCA: He gave it to me before he got on the train. To go to war. And die. You got that he died right?

ROBERTA: In the skit?

REBECCA: The play!

ROBERTA: Oh! Yea, I thought you had real lover that gave you a pen-- I was going what are you talking about? He gave you a pen? I mean who cares about a pen. [ROSETTA enters.] Oh my God! Look who's coming, look at those earrings, what's up with those and of course she's wearing that Tommy Tube-top. She's still pissed off about Tom.

[ROSETTA plops in the backseat of the car laughing.]

ROSETTA: I'm going to Chile!

ROBERTA: Is Robert in there?

ROSETTA: I'm going to Chile with Hamish!

ROBERTA: Oh good, Robert's got to be at the party if Hamish is there.

ROSETTA: I'm going to hike the Andes with Hamish! Just me and Hamish on the Andes mountains making love. In a tent. Sharing a sleeping bag.

ROBERTA: Is Robert going?

ROSETTA: I don't know.

ROBERTA: I hope Robert is going.

ROSETTA: I hope not. I don't know.

ROBERTA: Then maybe Robert will ask me to go.

ROSETTA: Oh my god Robert is probably going to Chile. How are me and Hamish supposed to get it on if Robert is there?

ROBERTA: No! [Laughs.] Isn't that funny? Don't worry hon, I wasn't talking about Chile… I meant the party!

ROSETTA: Oh the party! Yea, I don't know, I heard Robert was going to be here.

REBECCA: You didn't make it to my play.

ROSETTA: What? Was that tonight? I'm sorry. Does it play again?

REBECCA: No. Tonight was it.

ROSETTA: Well they should play those things longer! Every time I want to see a play? It's over. How long did it play?

REBECCA: Six weeks.

ROSETTA: See what I mean? They should show them longer. You should tell them to play it longer. It's not like you got anything else to do right?

ROBERTA: Robert's scared of me I think. I wonder if Tom told him something. You think Tom told him something?

ROSETTA: How should I know? So Hamish was telling me about Chile today in the library and I said that it sounded really cool. And then he said he was going back this summer and he said… "You should go sometime." And I said, with my cute seductive look, you know, face down, eyes up [She does the look.] like that? I said, "Can I go with you?" And he said, "If you want." So me and Hamish are going to Chile! [REBECCA sighs.] What's wrong?

ROBERTA: Her little play thing didn't go to well.

REBECCA: You said you liked it!

ROBERTA: No! I'd never say that. I said I thought you were good! She said she wasn't going to talk tonight.

ROSETTA: She wasn't going to talk?

ROBERTA: No, she said she was going to quit talking. Says nobody really cares, so why talk?

ROSETTA: How can you go to a party and not talk? She was just talking just a second ago anyway!

ROBERTA: I know! I know!

ROSETTA: Girl, I am flying tonight! I hope Billy hears. I hope Billy hears I'm going to Chile with Hamish. That dick.

REBECCA: Can we go in yet?

ROSETTA: Thought I'd just crumble without him? Hell no!

ROBERTA: Billy's supposed to be here tonight.

ROSETTA: Good! I'm going to follow him around all night. "You hate me? You hate me huh? Well I'm going to Chile with Hamish!" All night I'm going to follow him around.

ROBERTA: You ever had a Mint Julep? Brad bought me a Mint Julep.

ROSETTA: He bought you a Mint Julep?

ROBERTA: I think he likes me.

ROSETTA: What's a Mint Julep?

ROBERTA: I'm going to ask him tonight. Do you like me?

ROSETTA: You can't go out with a guy who buys you a Mint Julep!

ROBERTA: I know!

ROSETTA: I'm going to follow him around all night too! What the fuck is up with you Mint Julep boy! You bought a girl a Mint Julep? What's up with that?

ROBERTA: Really! I mean a MINT JULIP!

REBECCA: So what?! SO WHAT?!


REBECCA: So he bought you a Mint Julep! Who cares! I mean who the FUCK really cares!

ROSETTA: I thought she wasn't talking?

ROBERTA: She wasn't.

ROSETTA: I thought you weren't talking there "No talker!"

ROBERTA: She's upset about her little play.

REBECCA: No I'm not. I'm not anymore.

ROSETTA: What's the big deal? I heard nobody was going because the review was horrible anyway. It's not your fault it was bad.

REBECCA: You didn't see it.

ROSETTA: I don't have to. I heard it was bad.

REBECCA: Forget it.

ROSETTA: Come on, we'll go to REI tomorrow and we'll buy some boots!


ROSETTA: ‘Cause I'm going to need some boots for my trip to CHILE WITH HAMMISH! Come on, you guys are fashionably late enough, let's grab a beer.

ROBERTA: Wait. I should probably tell you, Hamish picked up on me last week.


ROBERTA: I think Hamish picked up on me.

ROSETTA: No he didn't. He did?

ROBERTA: I bummed a smoke from Robert and… and… Hamish lit it for me.

ROSETTA: He what?

ROBERTA: He lit my smoke.

ROSETTA: Well. That's all right.

ROBERTA: I was going to light it myself, and he just came from out of nowhere and lit my smoke, just like that!

ROSETTA: Did he smile?

ROBERTA: I guess. I couldn't tell.

ROSETTA: Then how can you…

ROBERTA: You can tell. You know, you can tell. He was. Definitely.

ROSETTA: All right. SUPPOSE he did FLIRT with you… you let him?

ROBERTA: Well. Yea! I mean I needed a light. You aren't going out with him or anything.

ROSETTA: Look. It's cool. I know what you're talking about, and it's not what you think. He always lights smokes like that actually. It's kind of a joke. He started that with me. He does that all the time.

ROBERTA: Whatever.

ROSETTA: He does!

ROBERTA: Whatever. I was just trying to let you know. Trying to help you.

REBECCA: I want to go home.

ROBERTA: What? What?! You promised!

ROSETTA: Oh my God! Look!

ROBERTA: Oh my God it's Mint Julep Brad… and he's with Michelle.

ROSETTA: With Michelle! You showed him the hand and now he's moved on it seems. Oh my God!

ROBERTA: Oh my God did you see that? He kissed her! That fucking dick!

ROSETTA: He better keep away from gonococcus mouth Michelle if he knows what's good for him.

ROBERTA: Yea! I better warn him. [Pulls out her purse. Looks around.] I don't see Robert yet. Maybe Brad will buy me another drink, hopefully not another Mint Julep. But who cares right? [To Rebecca:] Who cares about a Mint Julep right? [She takes out a bottle of pills, pops one and puts it back.] Okay. You guys comin'?

ROSETTA: Yea, whatever, we'll be out in a sec.

ROBERTA: It's not what you think.

ROSETTA: Whatever.

ROBERTA: Whatever.

[They exchange "whatevers" until Roberta is almost out of the car. Rebecca stops her.]



REBECCA: I want to go home.

ROBERTA: [Crazed.] I went to your play! I went to your stupid play! So fuck off!

[ROBERTA slams the door and exits.]

REBECCA: I need to talk. I want to talk to someone.

ROSETTA: Yea. That fucking cunt. I can't believe she'd do that to me. Flirt with someone she knows I like. I'm her friend. Would you do what she did? No. ‘Cause you're a friend. You listen. You know what a friend is. I would never do that to you. She's just trying to get back at me for Tom. I can't help it if Tom wanted me. I don't know what she's so upset about. It's not like Tom called me afterwards.

REBECCA: I need help.

ROSETTA: Yea. We're all fucked up. I can't wait to go to Chile. Let's get a beer.

[ROSETTA gets out of the car, shuts the door and exits. It's quiet. REBECCA is alone.]

REBECCA: I'm not talking.



BRAD - three college guys.
REBECCA - a college girl

[HAMISH, BRAD, and TOM are at a house party.]

HAMISH: You bought her a Mint Julep?

BRAD: Yea.

HAMISH: You bought her a Mint Julep?

TOM: A Mint Julep?

BRAD: I thought I'd buy her something nice.

TOM: What's a Mint Julep?

HAMISH: Okay. But a Mint Julep?

TOM: What's a Mint Julep?

BRAD: It's the first thing that came to my mind.

HAMISH: A Mint Julep is the first thing that came to your mind.

TOM: That's funny.

HAMISH: What did I tell you?

BRAD: What?

HAMISH: What did I tell you?

BRAD: What?!

HAMISH: Coors Light.

BRAD: Coors Light.

TOM: Coors Light?

HAMISH: Coors Light. All girls like Coors Light.

BRAD: But I didn't want to get her a beer.

TOM: All girls like Coors Light?

HAMISH: That's right.

BRAD: I didn't want to get her a Coors Light.

HAMISH: So you get her a Mint Julep?

TOM: Rosetta like Coors Light?

HAMISH: Rosetta will drink whatever I get her. I order goat's milk? She'll drink goats milk.

BRAD: See, now how do you do that?


TOM: Rosetta drinks goat's milk?

HAMMISH: How do I do what?

BRAD: Just get these girls to like hang all over you.

HAMISH: What do you mean?

TOM: Yea, girls hang all over you.

BRAD: I see how they look at you.

TOM: Yea, and you usually look like crap.


TOM: Sorry. That's like, a compliment though.

BRAD: Tom's right. You do usually look like crap. Look at you now.

HAMISH: It's all part of the equation.

BRAD: What? What equation?

HAMISH: You bought Roberta a nice drink. Or what you thought was a nice drink.

BRAD: What?

TOM: The Mint Julep.

HAMISH: Right, the Mint Julep. Whatever. You bought this girl an expensive drink. Right?

BRAD: Yea.

TOM: It was expensive? The Mint Julep was expensive?

BRAD: Hell yea it was expensive!

HAMISH: And what did she do?

BRAD: Well, she laughed.

HAMISH: She laughed. Did she drink it?

BRAD: A little bit. I don't think she liked it.

HAMISH: Did she appreciate it?

BRAD: What?

HAMISH: Did she appreciate the fact that you took your hard earned money and bought her a very expensive drink?

BRAD: Well…

HAMISH: Well nothin'. Did she say thank you?

BRAD: I can't remember. She laughed. She thought it was funny.

HAMISH: Funny. She laughed at you.

TOM: She laughed at you?

BRAD: Fuck you Tom, she didn't laugh AT me.

HAMISH: You said she laughed.

TOM: She laughed at your drink.

HAMISH: That's right, you said she laughed. Was she laughing with you? Or at you?

BRAD: I don't know. I didn't really think about it.

TOM: You should have bought her a Coors Light.

BRAD: Fuck you Tom! You haven't bought anybody a drink! I don't see you buyin' any girls a drink. Ever! What the hell do you know?

HAMISH: Case in point! Tom? Tom, did you buy Rosetta a drink last month?

TOM: No.

HAMISH: Did you fuck Rosetta?

TOM: Yes.

HAMISH: Ah-ha!

BRAD: Bullshit.

HAMISH: Tom is not contributing to the alcoholism of the female sex, however he is getting laid on a regular basis.

BRAD: Once a month? I wouldn't call that…

HAMISH: Yet, you, my friend raise the Mint Julep inventory a couple hundred percent, but your penis still remains very dry. What goes Brad?

BRAD: Tom is just tight. He's drinking my beer right now and I'm not going to fuck him.

HAMISH: But! See, women like men who are tight with a buck. They say they like a man who buys them diamonds, but deep down Darwinism takes over, and lurking under each and every party girl is the churning hormones of a woman searching for the proper mate. The ultimate cave dweller to raise her offspring, to take care of her, to buy her a fitting cave, to fight off the threatening dinosaurs of a poor economy. The radar is set, and suddenly they become pulled like a magnet to Tom here. Conservative, tight, balances his checkbook during a party. Unassuming, but loaded. How much in debt are you for going to college my man.

TOM: None.

HAMISH: See? Inherently in a woman's hormones, they know that Tom may be a bit slow, BUT he will provide!

BRAD: Yea well, what about you? That's who we're talking about here, you're in debt for college.

HAMISH: That's right.

BRAD: You don't balance your checkbook.


BRAD: So what's up with you?

TOM: Coors Light.

BRAD: Shut up Tom.

HAMISH: It's very simple my boy.

BRAD: What?

HAMISH: Women like it when you treat them like shit.

BRAD: Like shit?

HAMISH: Like shit.

BRAD: I don't agree. Not all the time.

HAMISH: Woman asks if I buy ‘em a drink? I get them tap water in a warm glass.

BRAD: Bullshit.

HAMISH: I'm nice to the ladies sometimes, I know, but the fact of the matter is: You tried to get into Roberta's pants by being nice and buying her a Mint Julep. That shit fails. They know you want them and they WILL disappear. You woo them with flowers, take them out to dinner? They will, and I guarantee this, they will kick you to the curb. And now you made it worse: she's telling everyone in the known universe what a weirdo goon you are for buying her a damned nice Mint Julep. It's sad, but true. Now the hard to get thing?- that don't work either. They could give a crap But, you tell her to fuck off tonight for no good reason? She'll be following you around like a lost puppy. "He doesn't want me? Men have to WANT me! Why is he mad at me? What did I do? Does he hate me? How could he hate me? No one can HATE ME! I'M PERFECT!"

TOM: Women don't like to think a man hates them?

HAMISH: That's right Tommy!

TOM: It's like when we were in grade school and you pulled on the pigtails of the girl you liked. Like Christy Corbett. I sat behind this girl with pigtails, her name was Christy Corbett and she always would ignore me? So one day I pulled on her pigtails really hard and she hit me and then we played a lot after that. Pen fights, water fights, paperclip fights, sometimes we'd just fight. I'd hit her really hard. And she'd hit me. We'd wrestle. I'd pop a boner. I didn't really know what it was at the time. Neither did she. Is it like that?

HAMISH: Yea. Yea, man it's like that.

BRAD: What the fuck are you talking about Tommy?

HAMISH: I think the point Tom is trying to make is—You are too nice. Was your father tough with your sister?

BRAD: Was he!

HAMISH: See? That's all they know. And daughters love their dads. Would do anything for them. My dad practically kept my sister in cage. And she loves him. That's all they grew up with: Tough men. That's it! Be a tough father figure.

TOM: Hey look, it's Michelle.

BRAD: I don't like Michelle.

TOM: I like her. She's got big calves. Like Hilary Clinton.

BRAD: Why don't you go have a paperclip fight with her?

HAMISH: Fine. You don't like Michelle. But you know who else doesn't like Michelle?

BRAD: Roberta? Really.

HAMISH: That's right. I'll give you a dollar if you just go up to Michelle and put your tongue down her throat. I guarantee Roberta will be talking to you TONIGHT.

BRAD: Really? But she's not here yet.

HAMISH: Don't worry about it. I saw her out in her car with Rosetta.

TOM: You think so?

HAMISH: Like shit my man, like stink on shit.

[BRAD downs his drink and exits. Rebecca enters.]

TOM: Hey, there's Rebecca.

HAMISH: Yea. You like her? She's in plays right? The theater crowd ain't my thing.

TOM: She's cute. Doesn't talk much.

HAMISH: Well, you know what to do.

TOM: No. What do I do?

HAMISH: I don't know. I don't know this chick. You do.

TOM: You think she's cute?

HAMISH: Sure. Why don't you give her a little love.

TOM: I can't.

HAMISH: Then go pull on her pigtails.

TOM: Not now, I just want to drink Brad's beer.

HAMISH: You want me to talk to her?

TOM: No.

HAMISH: Why not? You don't think I can?

TOM: Sure, but.

HAMISH: Countdown's on man, if you don't I will… five, four, three, two,

TOM: Shut-up!

[They push and shove each other a little bit.]

REBECCA: Hi Tom. Hi Hamish.

[They freeze.]


[Tom throws his beer in her face. Rebecca stands stunned.]

TOM: Hi Rebecca!

[Rebecca runs out. A beat.]



ROSE All 21-years-old

[ROBERTA and BRAD are in ROBERTA'S car making out.]

BRAD: Hold on.

ROBERTA: What? What is it? Is it my breath? Oh my god. You don't like how I kiss…

BRAD: No. No, it's fine! You're great. You're beautiful.

ROBERTA: Well then what is it?

BRAD: Do you like it when men treat you like shit?

ROBERTA: Men don't treat me like shit honey.

BRAD: Well I bought you like, this really nice drink last week, the Mint Julep, you remember?

ROBERTA: Oh yea, right. I forgot about that!

BRAD: Well you like, laughed at me, ya know? But I go make-out with Michelle…

ROBERTA: I laughed at you? Is that bad? So I laughed at you.

BRAD: You didn’t like it.

ROBERTA: Brad. It’s a Mint Julep.

BRAD: The point is, you dissed me and then I go make out with Michelle and here we are!

ROBERTA: I was saving you! Michelle has GonocacaHerpes! What is the problem here Brad? Here I am!

BRAD: Well, I'm wondering if women like a caveman who balances his checkbook during a party or a dad figure who cages up their daughters.

ROBERTA: Brad. You're scaring me. What are you talking about?

BRAD: Well. Hammish told me, if I made out with Michelle you'd come over and break it up because I wouldn't be paying any attention to you. And it seems to have worked.

ROBERTA: Hammish said that?

BRAD: He says if you treat women like shit and don't pay any attention to them, they'll be all over you. But, I think it's just his good looks and how he dresses, but then he'll tell me to do something like this and it works so… really I don't fucking know.

ROBERTA: Hammish is pretty smart isn't he. Is he really going to Chile with Rose?

BRAD: I don't know how Rose puts up with his shit frankly.

ROBERTA: Maybe Hammish hasn't found the right woman.

BRAD: I don't want to treat women like shit all the time ya know, I mean like being all covert and playing games like this. I don't want to use people to get you or act a certain way. I just want you to like me because I'm Brad ya know? I like you and want you because you're you, shouldn’t that be the way things… should be?

ROBERTA: Jesus Brad I didn't know you were such a pussy.

[Becca enters sopping wet, weeping. She gets in the backseat.]

ROBERTA: Oh my God, what happened to you honey? You smell like barroom floor!

BECCA: Tom threw a beer in my face.

BRAD: Tom what?

ROBERTA: Tom threw a beer in your face? Oh my God, that's it, Tom is toast, I am so sick of that little shit, I'm going to kick his ass.

BRAD: See, no, that's gotta be a mistake.

ROBERTA: A mistake? Are you saying my little Becca is lying? Are you lying Rebecca?

BECCA: I knew I shouldn't have talked. I'm never talking again. I hate talking. I wish I was back in the play. On the stage. Where everything is prewritten.

ROBERTA: Look at her, she's damaged mentally, she's not making any sense, this could be like a turning point in her life!

BRAD: No, no look Becca, Tom likes you, he does, he probably only threw a beer in your face because Hammish told him to.

BECCA: Why would Hammish tell Tom to throw a beer in my face?

BRAD: To get you to like him! He's not being mean. Mean guys don't throw beer in women's faces without a reason!

ROBERTA: Really? Then what do mean guys do?

BRAD: They ignore you! See? It's all really very easy to explain.

BECCA: What?

ROBERTA: Actually Brad speaks the truth. Tom does like you Becca.

BECCA: I am so confused. [a beat] What are you two doing in here?

ROBERTA: Oh Brad's opening up and sharing his feelings with me. You ain't missing anything.

[Tom enters and gets in the back seat with Becca.]

TOM: There you are…

ROBERTA: Tom you are such a little shit. I'm gonna kick your ass.

TOM: I'm sorry okay, I…

BECCA: Get away from me…

ROBERTA: Look Tom if you like Becca you don't have to throw a beer in her face okay?

TOM: I’m sorry.

BRAD: Hey Tom.

TOM: Hey. It worked huh? The Michelle thing?

BRAD: Yea. Sort of.

ROBERTA: Hey, we're not talking about us Mr. Misogynist beer thrower.

TOM: Look, let me get you a drink, A Coors Light? You want a Coors Light? Or what do they drink in the theatre crowd? Like Heineken? You want a Heineken? Come on, I'll get you a Heineken. I got it. A Long Island Iced Tea! New York, Broadway? Huh? Long Island? Get it?

BECCA: I'm not talking.

ROBERTA: You've ruined her Tom. She's all messed up. You've ruined her for life. Just like Rose.

BRAD: Rose?

ROBERTA: Oh. You haven't heard?

BRAD: You screwed Hammish's girlfriend?

TOM: No, no, no I didn't. And she's not his girlfriend! Who said that anyway? Who said she’s his girlfriend? I didn't! Hammish didn't! Hammish doesn't care. She just thinks she's his girlfriend because he treats her like shit!

BRAD: What the hell is going on here Tom?!

BECCA: That makes no sense! None of this makes any sense!

TOM: I would personally like to buy everyone a Coors Light and we can forget about all this. Here. Becca here's some money to dry clean your blouse and here's some money for your hair and… here, here just take all the money in my wallet.

BECCA: I don't want it.

TOM: Okay. Okay. Okay you heard her she doesn't want my money so I'm taking it back. Okay, you heard her!

BRAD: Tom, you're such a fucker ya know that? You're so full of shit. You and your tight ass pigtail pulling bullshit. Becca, don't even go near the guy. Berta's right I should just kick your ass.

[A pause.]


TOM: Yea?

ROBERTA: Wasn't Robert supposed to be here?

TOM: Rob? Uh, yea, he's supposed to.

BRAD: Robert? What do you mean Robert?

TOM: Yea, actually he was in fact, and um… as I remember he said he was looking forward to meeting up with you.

BRAD: Shut up Tom. That's bullshit.

TOM: It's not. Ask her.

ROBERTA: I'm not saying anything.

BRAD: Right. You like Robert? (Beat) Then what's THIS all about? What are you all about? All right, cards on the table time, Roberta I really like you and…

ROBERTA: I think I heard this already.

BRAD: All right. I am going to go get Michelle, and I am going to stick my tongue down her throat and then I am going to go make passionate love to her, and I am going to make her my wife, and we are going to have children and be happy and grow old together in a big house and I'm going to retire and play golf at our club in Palm Springs, and, and, I'm going to be rich and famous and have affairs with beautiful young women and I'm going to die and they're going to name a foundation in my name and send poor kids to college and they'll name a baseball stadium in my name and you, you, you're going to want me. I'm going to get you back boy, when I'm dead and gone, you're going to be sorry! Know why?

ROBERTA: I'll bite. Why Brad?

BRAD: Because Robert, Robert will never, ever buy you a Mint Julep. He’ll never buy you a Mint Julep like I did.

[Brad slams the car door and exits. A beat.]

ROBERTA: Yea!? Well same to you fuckchop!

TOM: Whoa. That was so cool.


BECCA: Roberta?

ROBERTA: Yes hon, we're going home very soon.

TOM: Oh Roberta? Um. Robert actually wasn't sure if he was going to make it. He was supposed to call you. I was kind of lying to piss off Brad.

ROBERTA: Robert’s supposed to call me if what? He wasn't going to make it?

TOM: Uh. He didn't say.

ROBERTA: Does anyone have a light?

[Hammish enters and lights Roberta's cig.]

HAMMISH: Here baby.

ROBERTA: Hammish! Thank you honey.

HAMMISH: Well, well what's the little story here? Are you chauffeuring these two lovebirds around?

ROBERTA: Come on in Hammish, it's a party!

HAMMISH: I thought I heard some yelling.

ROBERTA: Well the real party is out here hot stuff.

TOM: Hey Hammish.

HAMMISH: Hey Becca, sorry abut ol' Tom here, see he's a man stuck in a fourteen year old's body. I was just having fun with him. I tell him things and he does them, that's our relationship. In all honesty we were just goofing around and that beer was a byproduct of my indiscretions, I hope you understand. Did you tell her about Christy Corbett?

TOM: No.

HAMMISH: You should hear that story Becca; it really shows what kind of person he really is.

BECCA: Christy Corbett?

HAMMISH: He pulled on this girl's pigtails when he was in grade school and it gave him a boner. It's actually very amusing.

[Becca laughs.]

TOM: Yea. I'm funny.

ROBERTA: Say Hammish I've been meaning to tell you about some information I found out about Tom and Rose… I think you'll be interested to know…

HAMMISH: Say Becca good job in the play by the way.

BECCA: You saw it?

HAMMISH: Yea! Tom and me saw it last week.

BECCA: Really?

HAMMISH: When your lover left you at the train station with just that pen. Man that really got me. Why Tom turned to me right then and said…

TOM: He got killed in the war right?

BECCA: Well that's kind of left up to you to decide.

HAMMISH: See that's what I said! But Tom turned to me and said, "Fuck man he's a goner." That's what you said…

TOM: What I meant was he's probably not coming back either way dude.

HAMMISH: You're not supposed to know see, you're supposed to debate it like we're doing …

BECCA: It doesn't matter! The main thing is you went to see my show. I appreciate that.

HAMMISH: Hey man, wouldn't miss it. Far be it from me to shy away from some good drama. Now what was it you were saying there sunshine?

ROBERTA: Me? Oh. I was wondering if you had Camel, I fucking hate Marlboro's.

HAMMISH: Oh, no I don't. Just some American Spirit's.

TOM: Becca, you wanna go back in the party? I bet they got another shirt at the house or somethin' to put on.

BECCA: Um. [looks to Roberta]

ROBERTA: Go ahead! I'm not your mommy.

BECCA: All right.

[Tom and Becca exit.]

ROBERTA: You're sweet.

HAMMISH: Yea, I'm a peach. [beat] Somethin’ wrong? You look a little…

ROBERTA: Can I… Can I just put my head on your shoulder for a minute?

HAMMISH: I was gonna say you look a little like you need a shoulder. Sure.

[Roberta nestles in]

ROBERTA: What's it all about Hammish?

HAMMISH: Well, I tell ya. I been thinkin' that myself. That's why I'm going to Chile.

ROBERTA: Why Chile?

HAMMISH: I don't know. Figured I'd climb a mountain in the Andes, find a wise man or something.

ROBERTA: By yourself.

HAMMISH: Yea. I'm not a good person to be around people. At least not right now.

ROBERTA: You could get a cat.

HAMMISH: Yea. I could get a cat. Cats are nice.

ROBERTA: I'm not good for people either. I tend to upset them.

HAMMISH: Is that right? So where are you going to go?

ROBERTA: I hear Oregon's nice. But I'll probably just go to an outlet Mall.

[Rose enters, drunk.]

ROSE: Excuse a fucking me.

HAMMISH: Maybe you could take Rose.

ROSE: Do you mind there bitchy bitch getting your head off my fucking boyfriend.

HAMMISH: Hi Rose. Berta here needed a shoulder.

ROSE: She doesn't need shit, except for maybe a nose job. She can go get Robert's shoulder if she needs a shoulder.

ROBERTA: Rose, your drunk. Don't say anything you're going to regret.

ROSE: How. Dare. You. You have no right to judge me you pill popping hussy. I'll take you. I could take you. You've always wanted Hammish, but he's not yours-- we're going to Brazil!


ROSE: Chile! Chile together. See! Chile. So hands off do you hear me? Hands…

[Rose throws up.]


HAMMISH: All right love muffin, the party's over. [to Roberta] It was nice talkin' to ya.

ROBERTA: So. When are you takin' off Hammish? I'd love to talk more ya know…

HAMMISH: Tomorrow. United Air. Early flight. [beat] Sorry. [beat] I really… Here. Here's my lighter. You can have it.

ROBERTA: Thanks. Really. Thanks.

HAMMISH: Say Roberta?


HAMMISH: Take care of Rose. Tomorrow. Huh?


HAMMISH: You goin' in?


HAMMISH: To the party?

ROBERTA: No. I'm waitin' for a phone call.

[Hammish carries out Rose.]

[Roberta crawls back in the car. She lights a smoke with Hammish's lighter.]


[Her cell phone rings.]

[She takes it out and is about to answer. But doesn't… she sets it down.]

ROBERTA: I'm not talking. I’m not talking.

[Phone keeps ringing.]


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